Monday, August 10, 2009

A Letter to the Man I Love

My Love,

I always thought how great it was that you and I split the household chores evenly and never have to argue about whose turn it is to do the dishes or make dinner. I always appreciated your belief that there are no male or female activites, duties, or capabilities. I know that for a feminist like you it's crucial that I hold the same beliefs.

Today, however, UK's Daily Mail has informed me that the fact that you do household chores has made you "abandon [your] natural manly instincts and become [a] hybrid of both sexes." Even though you were the one to suggest we split our household duties, it turns out you must have been bullied into it by bad horrible me. According to a relationship expert Francine Kaye (yeah, I know, this "profession" can better be described as "loser-swindler"), you are now a "male-female hybrid." I have recently had an ample opportunity to verify that your "manly instincts" are perfectly fine, but who knows what could have occurred in these few hours we haven't seen each other? Maybe two years of all this dishwashing and bathroom cleaning have finally kicked in.

I got upset at first but then I realized that this "expert" considers me a "masculine-like female." I know this suggestion makes you laugh. But remember that time I stayed at home waiting for the fridge repair person? Remember how I sometimes book airplane and Greyhound tickets? This is what turns me into a masculine-like female in our expert's opinion.

So everything is fine, sweetheart. A male-female (you) and female-male (me) can surely find a way to mesh our male and female parts quite nicely.

And believe me, contrary to this article's assertion, I will never resent you for not treating me like your household slave.

Lots of love,
Clarissa.

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

This is brilliant, Clarissa. I cant stop laughing.

Natalee said...

Great post! Kudos to you.

unhinged_eddie said...

Is this a real guy or a feminist fantasy?

Clarissa said...

Anonymous and Natalee: thank you!

unhinged_eddie: Yes, this is a real guy and he really liked the post too. :-)

Gem said...

Good for you, Clarissa! Now where do I find me a guy like that? I'd appreciate any pointers. :)))))

Anonymous said...

ha ha ha! i laughed so hard. great post, thanx a bunch!!!!!

HappilyMarriedInOregon said...

I'm sorry but you missed the point of the article you criticize. Many women DO bully their husbands into doing things God and nature never intended them to do. These highminded carrier women think it's beneath them to take up a mop or a dishclocth. maybe you are one ofthem. Maybe your guy is putting up with you for now but believe you me a day will come when he will get fed up with serving you and putting his needs beneath yours and he will run away and then you will ask yourselves if it was all worth it.

Women should be women and men should be men. You go against what God and nature intended when you mock and criticize. So you managed to get one guy to do your dishes, big deal! Let's see how long it takes him to see the light. When you are lonely, your job isn't going to keep your warm at night. So think about that.

Natalee said...

Geez, what have you been smokin', lady?

Anonymous said...

I wonder who these 'carrier women' are? Are they like mail carriers? Or does this person think they carry diseases or something?

Anonymous said...

Don't pay attention to the weirdos. I loved your post, it's funny and it takes to task this silly rag.

I hope you keep writing more of these satirical posts, they turn out real cool.

Anonymous said...

That was good!
V.

Liz said...

"When you are lonely, your job isn't going to keep your warm at night."

Actually it will, considering she'll have an income of her own and will be able to pay the heating bill.

Clarissa said...

Good point, Liz. :-)

I guess my blog is gaining in popularity since scary people have started appearing. :-)

Anonymous said...

Contrary to what you say, you are not a feminist, you are a collaborator in the oppressive male-power structure!!! You feel so happy that this guy hasn't hurt you yet, well, you wait and see. Just remember: you CANT trust MEN. They will turn against you WHATEVER YOU DO.

-TrueFeminist

Clarissa said...

Ok, the amount of craziness is getting a bit too much here. It's funny how both TrueFeminist and HappilyMarried promise me some unoforeseeable calamity in the future. Are you guys trying to be psychic or something?

Maybe if you lightened up a bit, you'd enjoy life more, seriously.

HellfireLover said...

Got here from Feministing. I loved the post. I loved the crazy people in the comments even more. It reminds me that I'm so happy to have generally sane friends (at least when it comes to the important stuff, like equality.)

Clarissa said...

I agree. I'm thankful to certain commenters for entertaining my readers more than I ever could. :-)