When Did the Stereotypes that Sustain Mail Order Bride Business First Appear?

Countries where women are less attractive are no less disorderly than those where women are better proportioned and graceful. Even in Russia, which has the highest number of beautiful women than any other European country, the sexual excesses are not as uncontrollable as in other countries, and spousal loyalty is maintained a lot more strictly there.

                                                                                -Benito Jeronimo Feijoo, 1726. (Translation mine)

Thanks to my dear friend Olivier, who sent me this beautiful quote, I now know that the ridiculous stereotypes that make the entire mail order bride industry possible already existed in 1726. Even then, people believed in this myth of exceptionally beautiful and loyal Russian women. As a Russian-speaking, if not Russian, woman I find this too annoying for words.

Robert Dornan's Goodbye American Woman: A Review

Robert Dornan's Goodbye American Woman is a curious example of a North-American anti-feminist backlash. I am co-authoring this post with a guest blogger who was kind enough to recap the content of this book for me.

Guest Blogger:

I picked this book because I got interested in how North American guys perceive Russian culture and people.

I grew up and lived next to Moscow until I moved to the US in 2003, which gives me some grounds to think I know how things truly are in Putinland. Given a delicate subject of this book – Russian women – I hoped to have a good laugh while comparing the content of this book with reality.

I am happy to say my expectations have been exceeded fivefold.

The author starts by introducing two Canadian guys, Bob and Alex, who work as mid-level software engineers in Toronto. Both their professional and personal lives leave much to be desired (i.e., suck): the only source of joy in Bob’s after-divorce life is spending time with his kids. Although Bob (according to his own words) is fairly good-looking with a long string of pretty girlfriends in the past, his present condition (according to his best friend Alex) is termed as “butt-ugly”. Unlike Bob, whose child support payments put a sizable hole in his budget, Alex has managed to escape the dark side of marriage by never having one in the first place. In fact, he appears to be performing better in the dating department, although he complains that it’s not cheap: despite all the equality talk, Canadian women are not eager to split the dinner bill and 99% of the time Alex has to pick it up. It’s a good thing that he can economize by still living at his father’s place. To make it short, both guys seem to be disillusioned in bitchy, pushy, over-demanding, and mercenary women.

Alas, they don’t see any way out: since all the women in North America are like that, what is a nice Canadian guy supposed to do? cross the Atlantic?

Literally enough, crossing the Atlantic turns out to be the solution to all of their problems. The two friends are forced to fly to Moscow, Russia, to fix a few software bugs, and they end up fixing their miserable lives into the bargain. As it turns out, Russian capital is filled with warm, hospitable, fun-loving people who quickly bring back to life the jet-lagged Canadian pilgrims. Russian women prove to be absolutely gorgeous, elegant and feminine creatures who are so much unlike their North American sisters that it’s just breathtaking, period. Most importantly, Russian ladies are smart and sensitive enough to see what great guys Alex and Bob really are, and they have no inhibitions expressing their appreciative feelings to the two gentlemen. After they spend ten days in Moscow, our newly born software engineers return to Toronto, but life is never the same without their Russian girlfriends. Within a few weeks, they fly back to their loved ones and propose. Needless to say, the two ladies are beside themselves with joy and gratitude and can only answer yes. In a few months, all six of them (I forgot to mention that each lady has a fairly grown up kid) would move to Canada to start a new life.

Now, if Alex and Bob strike you as two losers who cannot put two and two together, I agree. The funniest thing is that the book has no lack of information about what is really behind that syrupy fairy-tale. A few other characters in the book supply lots of accurate facts and opinions about what drives the men and women who sign up for that mail-order-bride-like business. However, all of their advice falls on deaf ears: Alex and Bob never stop to wonder why it only takes them a 13-hour flight to Moscow to become marriage material.

Clarissa:

It is funny to observe the many forms anti-feminist backlash can take. The author of this book feels uncomfortable in the world where women have claimed for themselves a place of equality and human dignity. He hates the idea that a woman can have thoughts, desires, and opinions of her own. In the inhospitable universe where women have other goals than attracting and satisfying men and men have to learn to treat women as human beings, Dornan turns to the myth that submissive, compliant, doll-like women exist in parts of the world still unspoiled by vicious feminism. The greatest joke of the book is that in his search for such women he goes to Russia, of all places.

Anybody with a modicum of intellect and historical knowledge would realize that Russian-speaking countries have a historical legacy of female empowerment unmatched in the West. Women of my generation (early 30ies) were brought up by mothers and grandmothers almost a 100% of whom worked full-time their entire adult lives. In class, at work, at home, and in the majority of public settings, Russian-speaking women have been dominant (or, I would even say, domineering) for decades. This, of course, came at the price of complete sexual disempowerment and repression for women.

This is why it is so hilarious that anybody would be so deluded as to search for a sexy submissive doll in a Russian-speaking country. If anything, the pathetic mail-order bride seekers find the exact opposite.

Men Who Buy Mail Order Brides

Whenever I mention the word "Russia" on my blog in any context whatsoever, I immediately get these disgusting ads placed on my site by Google AdSense that advertise mail-order brides. I have already written about these sites and the way women on them present themselves and their expectations. This time, I decided to go on one of these sites** to look at what type of man (i.e. sorry loser) would try to find a woman in this degrading manner. (Of course, this is a vicious circle because this very post I am writing will bring more of this advertisement to my blog.)

This is the way in which the creators of the website answer the question why a man should use a catalogue of Russian women in order to find a wife:

Think a Russian woman is no different from any other? Think again! Russian women possess a certain indescribable quality you just can't find around the block. This unique attribute can be likened to a softness of character so personified, you'd swear it's all an act. Gentlemen, this is no act! A Russian woman is what every man wants a true woman to be. She's tender and not afraid to reveal her weaknesses. She realizes that she needs her partner's support, and for her, that's OK! She's not looking to compete with you, but rather to love you and be loved by you, nothing more. Isn't that everything a relationship is supposed to be?

First of all, it is obvious why the disgusting jerks who are attracted by this kind of advertisement will never find a woman who will actually like them and not just tolerate them for money and a green card. Second, I feel profoundly sorry for these idiots who are looking for a "weak" and "soft" woman in Russia of all places. Boy, are they in for a surprise. It makes me happy to imagine how all these freaks marry Russian women believing that they got themselves a sad, weak and submissive little slave and end up discovering that they are not and can never be a match for the strength of personality that these women possess.

The website in question is so stupid that it even tries to convince the ugly bride-seekers that Russian women are so weird that they don't care if the man they are with is butt-ugly:

Many men assume that all women are overly concerned with a man's appearance and how much money he makes? Sure, some are, but we know from experience that most Russian women aren't. In general, Russian women do not place undue importance on their partner's appearance or how deep his pockets are. They love their men for who they are on the inside and what they can bring to the relationship, not what they look like on the outside or how much money is in their bank accounts.
So what do you have to offer one of our ladies? Not quite sure? Well, are you prepared to be completely honest in your relationship, providing your full support whenever it may be needed? If so, you've already got what it takes to make one Russian woman very happy.

Observe the clumsy attempt to convince these men that mail-order brides are not after their money while introducing the contradicting idea about "providing full support." It's as if they were saying, "we know it's all about material gain for these women. Otherwise, why would they waste themselves on a sorry loser who is so ugly that no woman from his own culture has shown any interest in him? But it hurts us to think that nobody wants us except for our wallets, so let's pretend that it isn't true."

Truly, these men deserve all that is coming to them.

** Once again, I am not linking to this site in order to avoid promoting this hateful practice.

Mail Order Brides

As soon as I published a couple of posts on Russia, Google started placing ads for sites with mail-order brides listings on my blog. The last (and the only) time I visited a site of this kind was many years ago. The moment I saw the flashy heading proudly announcing "Place 10 girls in your shopping cart, and we'll give you 3 more for free", I felt my blood pressure rising to a dangerous level and had to flee the site. This time, I armed myself with an alcoholic beverage (which helps lower the blood pressure) and plunged into the depths of one of the sites advertized on my blog in order to see for myself how bad things are.

The first glance on the site in question (which I'm not going to link here to avoid promoting this horrible practice) made me realize that I would not be able to place any of the personal ads that appear there as an ilustration to my blog post. Doing so would immediately cause my blog being tagged as pornographic in every single directory.

This was one of the saddest things I have seen in a while. You see pictures of women of all ages and social/educational backgrounds wearing next to nothing in the best of cases, assuming the most provocative sexual positions you can imagine, and accompanying these pictures with captions that are often sadder than the pictures: "I am a very spiritual person," writes a woman who is photographed lying naked on her stomach, smiling at the camera. "I don't care about your appearance. The only thing that matters in a person is your soul," says another participant who is wearing an almost non-existent g-string and is pushing up her naked breasts with her palms. "I love reading poetry and prose," announces a very young woman who is barely out of her teens. She is sitting with her legs spread apart touching her vagina.

These women are obviously not doing this because they are on the brink of starvation. The picture portfolios are evidently done by professional photographers, often in a studio. The underwear (when there is any) looks expensive, the women are well-groomed, some of them know English pretty well. When we read the women's profiles, it becomes clear soon enough that these are middle-class (sometimes even upper-middle-class women). There is no doubt in my mind that there is a lot they can offer to themselves and to the world. Why, then, do they choose to humiliate themselves in such a way? Why do they turn themselves into a piece of meat ready for consumption by any one who chances to come upon their pictures?

I blame the Soviet Union, people. Human beings have this need to strive for something, you know. We need a goal, a dream, something to organize our existence. Spiritual, intellectual, and professional growth were not an option for the citizens of the USSR. Personal relationships were broken down and undermined through a series of policies instituted specifically for that purpose. So, what was left? Material possessions, of course. The 70ies and the 80ies in the Soviet Union, were the decades of the purest, utterly unbridled, insane materialism. Accumulating stuff was the only goal the people were allowed to pursue and they pursued it with a vengeance. Today, people often mistakenly believe that this rampant consumerism came to the post-USSR space with capitalism. This belief can only be entertained by those who haven't lived in the Soviet Union in the last decades of the Soviet regime.

As a result of this cultural and historical heritage, beautiful, intelligent, educated women in the former-USSR countries often believe that selling themselves for sexual consumption of people from other countries is a great life choice. We were taught to believe that the only thing worth desiring is material well-being. At the same time, working for a living came to be considered shameful and stupid. Having a lot of money and things but not through actual work, that was - and still is, unfortunately - the ideal life strategy.

The kind of collective trauma we experienced in the Soviet Union does not heal overnight. I don't know how soon we can start hoping for a change in the Soviet mentality. Until then, sadly, mail-order brides*** will keep trying to sell themselves.

*** I hope it is clear from this post that my analysis has to do only with the countries of the former Soviet Union. Other countries also have this phenomenon but the reasons for it there are completely different.