Joyful Divorce

I wish I'd known of these divorce attorneys when I was getting divorced. Now, this is a firm with the correct attitude towards divorce. The divorce lawyer I had kept evincing surprise at the amount of joy I expressed in her office. Which was very misguided of her.

Who Owns a Husband?

If anybody still has any doubts that the divorce laws in this country are seriously screwed up, should read about the case of this woman from North Carolina:

A humiliated wife successfully sued her cheating husband's mistress for $9 million because of the "severe emotional distress" triggered by their affair, according to media reports Monday. Cynthia Shackelford, 60, used a little-known law in her native state of North Carolina to bring a suit against Anne Lundquist, the lover whom she claims wrecked her 33-year marriage to husband Allan. Lundquist was charged with "alienation of affections" - or interfering in a marriage - in one of the few American states that allow someone to sue over such a clause. . . The spurned spouse, who gave up her teaching career to look after her former husband and their two children, said she hoped the ruling would deter other would-be mistresses of married men.

The way the article presents the story, one is left with the idea that the woman in question was humiliated by the affair and as a result decided to sue. It's hard, however, to imagine anything more humiliating than chasing after a woman your husband left you for asking to be given money in return. The reason why this rejected spuse is not humiliated by this outlandish court case is that for her the husband is not a real person. He was her cash cow who kept her for years. Now, the cash cow has moved to a greener pasture and the former owner of the animal she has gotten used to milking wants to be reimbursed for her loss of income.

A society that sees it as normal that one human being should work to support another able-bodied adult should be prepared to see cases where former spouses are treated not as human beings but as objects to be used and exploited. The husband in this case is nothing other than an income-generating piece of property. What is more normal than suing somebody over removing your property from your possession unlawfully?

What's Better: Getting Cancer or Getting Divorced?

According to Times Online's Jenni Russell, getting divorced and getting cancer are inextricably linked. In her article "Romance is the last thing a healthy marriage needs", she argues that getting divorced or widowed (which for her, are somehow similar) will inevitably cause a host of diseases, even if you remarry and live happily ever after with a new partner: "The divorced or widowed not only suffer a higher level of depression, but 20% more of them develop chronic health conditions such as cancer, heart disease or diabetes. They also have 23% more problems with mobility — such as climbing stairs. Those who remarry see a slight improvement in their health, but they are still far more likely to become ill than those who stay with their original companions. The researchers believe that the shock and disruption caused by the ending of a marriage can cause such anxiety that it damages the immune system, making it easier for chronic diseases to develop." According to this logic, staying with someone you don't love any more is still more beneficial to your health than starting a new relationship with a person you love.

Russell supports this ridiculous argument with a story about a friend of hers who suffered a breakdown as a result of a divorce. It's curious how every journalist always has "a friend" close by to support whatever idiocy they are promoting in their new article. The journalist doesn't care, of course, that her readers might have friends of their own who have had completely different experiences. Her friend was miserable after getting divorced, ergo everybody is miserable as well.

The main problem with relationships, Russell argues, is that people believe in and long for romantic love. When this kind of emotion fades (which in Russell's worldview is inevitable), many people decide that a relationship bereft of romantic love isn't worth maintaining. The journalist strives to convince us that the absence of love isn't reason enough for a divorce. Of course, she has a right to that point of view. She has an absolute right to live in a loveless, sexless, romanceless relationship because she has convinced herself that this will eventually save her from cancer. The only question I have is why she is desperate to see everybody around her in this kind of unfulfilling relationships? Are we honestly expected to believe that her only agenda here is to save us from cancer, heart disease, diabetes and limited mobility that, as she believes, awaits all of us who have been divorced? Or is this nothing but a fantasy on the part of a person who wants to see all of us who chose love, freedom, and romance punished for daring to do what she doesn't allow herself to do?

Divorce

When you teach language courses, you often have to get together with your colleagues who teach a different section of the same course to plan tests and exams. One of the teachers in my group once came up with the following dialogue which the students were supposed to read and fill in the blanks:

A female professor is talking to her future employer (the dialogue is supposed to take place in Havana):

The Dean: What is your marital status?

Prof. Rodriguez: I'm divorced.

The Dean: Oh, I'm so sorry!

Of course, I had to take exception to this way of framing divorce as some kind of a necessarily sad event that should provoke condolences from any one who hears about it. I suggested that "The Dean" in the story had no right to pronounce a judgment on whether the divorce was a bad thing for this particular person. What if she sees is at as a positive stage in her life? What if she welcomes it as part of her growth as an individual? What's if she is very happy about it?

Most people in our society don't spend their entire lives with one individual. And there's nothing tragic about that. Human beings have a tendency to grow and change and sometimes two people simply don't grow in the same direction. It's much sadder, in my opinion, when people who realize that they have no love or sexual desire left for each other still stay together and torture themselves and each other in a relationship neither of them needs any more.

As a divorced person, I have encountered this annoying attitude quite a few times. Now, when people ask about my marital status I always say that I'm happily divorced. This allows me to avoid observing the expression of fake pity the divorced individuals always encounter when they talk about their divorce.