Any kind of collective identification requires some type of self-mutilation. The constraints of collective identity do not allow enough space for the incredible variety of human existence. That is why in order to belong we need to mutilate ourselves intellectually, spiritually, and often physically to fit into the mold and signal that we are part of the group. Female identity requires an even bigger amount of self-mutilation than other collective identifications.
I'm dropping out of grad school/leaving my job to follow my boyfriend. So what if I won't have a life and career of my own? At least, we will be together.
So what if I don't have an orgasm with this man? We get along well, and that's what matters.
I'm not going to have an elective C-section and avoid a long and painful labor. So what if my vagina gets torn to shreds in the process? It's not like I use it much anyways.
Who cares that my nipples are bleeding and I'm in pain? I'll keep breastfeeding until I drop dead because it's my duty.
I'm going to take on all kinds of boring and unfulfilling responsibilities at work. So what if they get in the way of my research and don't let me get tenure and promotion? Somebody's got to do it, and I'm always happy to be helpful.
So what if I don't feel like having sex right now? I don't want to upset my boyfriend or hurt his feelings. I'm just going to do it and hope it's over fast.
I come home from work dead tired and immediately start cleaning, doing the laundry, and cooking. Of course, I'm exhausted but if I don't do it no one will.
Sacrificing your interests, making your body serve everybody else's purposes except your own, suffering, accepting pain as your natural state of being - these are some of the most popular ways of signalling your belonging to female identity.
If anybody has their own version of why this happens, feel free to tell me in the comments. Then, I will propose my theory of the reasons behind the sacrificial womanhood.
8 comments:
Simple, but poignant. Good read.
It's doubtless that the reasons are a lot more complex than the one I'm about to offer, but I think at its core this tendency is just a matter of...we do it because we saw our mothers do it. They do it because they saw their mothers do it. And so on.
The idea of sacraficial womanhood is an interesting one, and one I have to mull over for awhile before responding to-- but i do want to make a response to the two sex related examples.
"So what if I don't feel like having sex right now? I don't want to upset my boyfriend or hurt his feelings. I'm just going to do it and hope it's over fast"
This can actually be a good thing-- as long as compromise is behind it. There will always be a partner that wants more sex, and a partner that wants less-- and I think it's important for the partner who wants less to have sex a little more than they'd like, and the partner who wants sex to have sex a little less than they'd like. It just falls into the area of compromise, which is something that happens in every element of the relationship-- sex isn't so special that it should have it's own category.
"So what if I don't have an orgasm with this man? We get along well, and that's what matters."
I don't see the problem with this statement, really. I think we put too much value on orgasms and sexual fulfillment-- we're (both male and female) taught to expect sex to be this mind blowing, awesome thing and usually? It's a whole lot of fun, but not mind blowing. Further, orgasms are, in my opinion, overrated when looking at sexual enjoyment as a whole and relationships as a whole.
(which I've talked more about here: http://lovelettersinhell.blogspot.com/2009/08/sex-advice-columns-and-altar-of-orgasm.html and here: http://lovelettersinhell.blogspot.com/2009/08/follow-up-sex-advice-columns-and-altar.html )
'This can actually be a good thing-- as long as compromise is behind it."
-Realistically, though, it's always - or nearly always - a female compromise.
" Further, orgasms are, in my opinion, overrated when looking at sexual enjoyment as a whole and relationships as a whole"
-Sex without an orgasm is not only horribly frustrating, it's also physically painful. I'd rather have no sex at all than to have no release after getting aroused.
And, honestly, if sex isn't mind blowing, I just go look for a partner who'd suit me better.
I agree that in most relationships, it might be a female compromise-- but in every relationship I've personally been in, and the vast majority of those my (admittedly privileged since we're all highly educated) friends have been in, it has been a compromise on both parts. Empowerment and an education of equality is the answer, not ditching the compromise altogether.
So, for you, sex without an orgasm is physically painful. For me, the steps it takes to get to an orgasm are physically uncomfortable. I'd rather have awesome sex without an orgasm than a half hour one on one session with the vibrator. I usually don't need the release to feel fully satisfied, and when I do, I take care of it.
On an odd note-- the best sex I've ever had was with a guy I'd never want to commit to. My fiance is maybe the second best, but it isn't the sex that matters to me so much as the overall relationship.
But I understand prioritizing different aspects of a relationship differently. Sex will never match up to the sense of intellectual companionship, humor, emotional understanding, and joy, in terms of my priorities. I guess I'm just still confused by the importance of awesome sex, simply because it isn't something that matters as much to me as personality considerations.
ouch Amanda - I hope your fiance does not find out he's second best (and a "maybe" even at that)
Anonymous-- He knows he's big enough to be a bit uncomfortable to painful at times. His skill and enthusiasm get bonus points, but a feature other women would love leaves me a little ouchy if we get to enthusiastic :-)
hey girls, this is me :)
I'm a 41 year old woman and althow i enjoy having sex with my housband, i'm disapointed for the fact that i've NEVER had an orgasm. I hear that for many women it just comes natural , but sadly it isn't my case.
Althow i know many women have the same problem, and my comment is of no surpise to anyone, i want to do my best and find a solution.
I've been thinking that maybe my housband isn't as tender and loveable as he should, but curiosity has never pushed me so far as to cheat on him with another man. Should i? Could change be a solution?
I've tried all sorts of pills and aphrodisiacs, but nothing so far...
If you have any advise, please reply to this comment. I've just started posting for a couple of days, so i'll be checking in often :)
Thank you!
Potenta
I'm not a sexologist or anything, but have you tried masturbation? That's usually the first step for many women in discovering what an orgasm feels like and what their sexuality is about.
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