Monday, July 27, 2009

Monday Press Overview: Cosmo Advice

Since Ross Douthat failed to entertain me as much as he normally does, I turned to the magazine that some people hail as a new feminist vision of a woman: the Cosmopolitan magazine. I expected something bad, of course, but I had no idea just how idiotic it would be. The article that attracted my attention was called "What Makes Men Fall in Love." The advice dished out by some purported "specialists" (MDs, PhDs, and what not) in the field of human relationships is beyond hilarious. Here are the things women need to do to get men to fall in love with them:
1. "The Desire: To Protect. Believe it or not, the so-called stoic sex is hardwired to nurture. Sheltering you from harm makes him feel studly, which makes him feel good. . . So give him chances to take charge, and thank him after he does. " Of course, the second I hear this old rubbish about people being "hardwired", I know that some patriarchal crap is being offered to me under the guise of science. Still, I tried to imagine how I would go about getting a man to shelter me from harm: "Oooh, honey, see this big guy walking on the other side of the street," I would say gaspingly. "I feel so threatened by him, please, make him go away."
2. "Give him a job. Ask him to fix or build you something. Performing concrete tasks is a way of bonding that enhances his sense of success." That is, of course, if he is into building or fixing things. The expectation here is obviously that any "real" man whould be super psyched to start building stuff as soon as the little lady needs it. I suggest taking this advice even further. Why not trash your apartment completely, break furniture, tear out the light fixtures, etc.? This will give him a chance to build and fix for months and will bring you the added bonus of letting out the pent-up energy you'll accumulate by pretending to be a helpless little flower.
3. "Ask his opinion. Whether it’s about your 401(k) options or the best travel sites, it telegraphs that you value his brain as much as you do his brawn." So after the poor man beats up the menacing guy in the street, builds and fixes your stuff, the moment comes to make him solve your financial problems and make your travel arrangements. That is, if he still has energy to do that.
4. "Wear soft materials. Delicate textures like rayon, silk, and fur trigger an intense response in men. These fabrics accentuate your softer, feminine nature, which heightens his amorous instincts." Something leads me to believe, however, that after all the efforts he expends in beating up menacing men, sheltering me from danger, building, fixing, and looking for travel sites, I'll need much more (or much less) than fur to heighten his amorous instincts.
5. "Don his clothes. It shows that you’ve chosen him over other guys — sexy." The question here is, of course, whether he will do something like that for me. I imagine coming home from work one day and finding my boyfriend wearing my summer dress and murmuring "Sweetheart, I just wanted to show that I chose you over all other women. Now you build something and I'll go put on some furs."
The rest of advice includes such gems as turning him down every once in a while to make yourself look more interesting, do "goddesslike" things like apply lipstick in front of him, cook food in his presence to raise his oxytocin levels (I kid you not), and get him to stand between you and a menacing guy in a bar.
Now, after all this effort, he still might want to pull back if he "finds himself on the brink of falling in love" (whatever that means). One of the things that can cause this is the lack of fighting because: "A guy will worry that (a) you’re going to lash out later, (b) you’re a doormat, or (c) you’re not into him enough to care. Any of these will make him rethink your budding relationship."
I like (b) the most. Imagine, after all of this effort the ingrate might think you are a doormat. I wonder what could give him that idea.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

The only quasi empowering thing about this article is the idea that you can control people's feelings. If you follow a certain set of rules they will fall in love with you. Although they forget that the most empowering thing is to have somebody love you just as you are. And not because of some silly rules.

Natalee said...

God, who needs a guy if you have to work so hard to get him?

Anonymous said...

I was really looking forward to your analysis of Douthat's column though.

Tom Carter said...

Well said, Clarissa. Men aren't as dumb as we often appear, and those kind of stupid tricks, little manipulations, are pretty obvious and, in some cases, offensive. Got to admit, though, I like the one about wearing soft fabrics....

Anonymous said...

I agree with Tom, this list of advises is actually quite offensive to men, whom author considers to be so dumb that they do not see manipulations in all that.
I actually see more and more of that in the modern culture - women trying to boost their ego at the expense of "those stupid primitive irresponsible men". Maybe it is a deserved payback for the centuries of patriarchy or the decades of images of women being extatic about the new vacuum-cleaner or bathroom washing liquid, but it is still sad.
V.

Clarissa said...

I don't think that it's payback, nor do I think it is deserved. This is actually the product of patriarchy, where men and women are seen as so alien to each other and as so different that all these manipulations and users' manuals are needed for them to co-exist.

Patriarchy is bad for both men and women.

Anonymous said...

I agree with you that patriarchy is bad for everybody. However, I was talking about the average attitude of the society as a whole, which gets expressed in the movies, advertisement, easy-to-read magazines like Cosmo, etc...
V.

Clarissa said...

This attitude is offensive to men because it presents them as stupid, primitive and insensitive. But it's just as bad for women who are obligated to jump out of their skins to "housetrain" these animals. :-)

But of course you are right that seeing the image of men in popular media is enough to make one give up on heterosexual relationships forever. Stupid men, desperate women, who needs these demeaning stories? But for some reason people keep lapping up these narratives with gusto.

Clarissa said...

"I was really looking forward to your analysis of Douthat's column though."

-Thank you. :-) There wasn't much to write about it, though, since all Douthat seems to be saying is: "Nobody is talking about the war in Iraq anymore because nobody has anything useful to add. Neither do I. But since I need to write a weekly column, I'll just fill the space by reiterating that nobody has anything to say about it."