So you're telling me you don't have autism?

So you're telling me you don't have autism? Seriously? Oh wow. Oh God. You are really neurotypical? Gosh, I'm so sorry. Are you sure, though? Because you look completely normal to me. I mean you are the last person I would have suspected of not being autistic.

I really admire you, you know. Not having autism must be so tough. My friend's son was diagnosed with not having autism and she was heartbroken. She cried for three days. What do you mean why? Of course, you seem completely normal but have you seen those neurotypical people they show on TV? (In a dramatic whisper.) They are all freaky and weird and they keep banging their heads against the wall. Well, you are right, of course, anybody would bang their head against the wall if their mother cried for 3 days because they are the way they are, but still . . . It's tragic for a parent to realize their child will never be happy, or have a career, or get married. Yes, it's true, you seem pretty happy, and your career is great, and you even have a husband.

By the way, does he know that you are . . . well, you know . . . not autistic? He does? Wow, I admire him so much. It must be so tough for him to live with a neurotypical person. You are always there, always demanding attention, always getting into his personal space, getting upset if he wants to be silent, or if he prefers to be alone. Every time he comes home you keep asking him where he's been, what he's done, who he talked to. And when he spends time engrossed in his hobby, you feel abandoned, neglected and lonely. Poor guy, he must really love you to put up with this.

And since we are talking about loneliness, you must feel lonely a lot. I mean if the phone doesn't ring even once during a weekend, you, non-autistics, always get so miserable, don't you? You are incapable of staying completely alone for a week and loving it, like we, the autistics, can. You always have to be with people, talking to them, getting attention. And it matters so much to you what people think. Even now I can see you are getting upset because of what I'm saying. You should learn to be more like us, you know. There must be some behavioral techniques that will help you care less about other people's opinions. Have you tried medication? What do you mean there is no medication for neurotypicality? That's a crying shame! This is such a serious disease. I heard on television that it's a national epidemic. More and more people are getting diagnosed as non-autistics. It's a public health crisis, for Pete's sake, and you tell me they still haven't developed any drugs to help you deal with it? Are you at least getting any disability payments? Of course, you are disabled, don't be silly. Imagine all the things that the autistics do so easily and you can't ever hope to learn. We can absorb and process huge chunks of information, sort them in our brains, see logical connections between all facts that are presented to us. We pride ourselves on our strong reasoning skills, on our capacity to concentrate on what we do in a way a poor neurotypical cannot even imagine. I don't even have to prepare my classes because I see all the information I need in my mind. And I can see it in 3-D and in color. This is something that your poor, abnormal brain can't do.

Oh now, here you go, getting all upset. You neurotypicals are so emotional. You have to realize that you live in an autistic world. You belong to a minority, so you need to learn to fit in. Nobody likes a person who is always getting emotionally attached so easily. I'm sure you even remember the name of that guy who cheated on you all those years ago and dumped you for your best friend. If you were normal, like me, you would have gotten over that in a couple of days, at most, and wouldn't even recognize his face when you saw him on the street.

Actually, now I think about it, I should have suspected long ago that you have this neurotypical sickness. You have this annoying habit of always remembering everybody's name, birthday, phone number, silly things like that. Of course, you don't have any engrossing interest or hobby, you don't accumulate huge chunks of information on the subject that inerests you, so you must have a lot of free space in your brain. Don't get all huffy on me. Unlike you, the neurotypicals, the normal autistic people are always brutally honest. We don't care about silly social conventions enough to lie and pretend. I'm sorry for you because you don't know what it feels like to be free from all these rules, expectations, and conventions.

Well, I'm really glad you shared it with me. Don't worry, I'm not going to tell anybody. What do you mean you don't care if people know? Of course, you do. Not everybody is as tolerant and understanding as I am.

This post is based on my conversations with people I told I am autistic and their reactions. I wrote it in an imitation of Dorothy Parker, a writer I admire a lot, so please take it with a sense of humor.