Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Why You Are Still Not Married?

I love my readers. They are always there for me to answer questions or make me feel better when I'm tired. Today, a fellow Canadian and a reader of this blog Patrick read my post that discussed how exhausted I was, and immediately sent me this wonderful link to a hilarious article titled "Why You're Not Married." here is how the article begins:
You want to get married. It's taken a while to admit it. Saying it out loud -- even in your mind -- feels kind of desperate, kind of unfeminist, kind of definitely not you, or at least not any you that you recognize. Because you're hardly like those girls on TLC saying yes to the dress and you would never compete for a man like those poor actress-wannabes on The Bachelor.You've never dreamt of an aqua-blue ring box. Then, something happened. Another birthday, maybe. A breakup. Your brother's wedding. His wife-elect asked you to be a bridesmaid, and suddenly there you were, wondering how in hell you came to be 36-years-old, walking down the aisle wearing something halfway decent from J. Crew that you could totally repurpose with a cute pair of boots and a jean jacket. You started to hate the bride -- she was so effing happy -- and for the first time ever you began to have feelings about the fact that you're not married. You never really cared that much before. But suddenly (it was so sudden) you found yourself wondering... Deep, deep breath... Why you're not married.
The rest of the article is just as priceless. I laughed until I almost choked. My students will be grateful to Patrick who helped me get into this great mood.

In case anybody is wondering, the reasons why this imaginary projection of the author's self is still not married are that she is a bitch, shallow, a slut, lazy, selfish, ruled by her hormones, and not good enough. then there is the regular patriarchal drivel about needing to lower one's expectations, thinking less about oneself, etc.

Welcome to the XXIst century, everybody!


Patrick said...

I thought this might dovetail nicely with your earlier post about "Helen". Which category would she fall in, eh?

Clarissa said...

I hope she is a selfish slut because then, at least, she will be having fun in the midst of all the misery. :-) :-)

Anita said...

I'm in the "got married at age 36" club. Only had a wedding because I am the only daughter of my parents, and I couldn't cheat my mother out of her, oops, I mean, my wedding.

Held out until 36 because previous husband candidate did not like his job, among other things. I wanted the choice to give up my 9 to 5 in exchange for the babies I was going to produce for us. Somebody had to have a check! lol

Got blessed with a good, loving husband, and 3 "suck the life out of you" kids.

Everyone has a story.

Funny post. I think I've known that woman. Not me, of course... my friends. :)

Clarissa said...

" I think I've known that woman."

-The selfish slut you mean? :-) :-)

Anonymous said...

Well. I guess the author does know all about getting married, what with having done it three times already.
I mean, everyone knows that the important bit is getting the fancy dress and the signature on the piece of paper, right? What happens after that's pretty irrelevant.

Anonymous said...

This was supposed to be funny? I read it as serious / offensive.

Melissa said...

My favorite part:

"he's not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he's married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, "I'm not really available for a relationship right now."

You probably saw these posts, but there was a mini-controversy in the feminist blogosphere about whether this is satire/comedy or serious advice. I come down on the side of satire/comedy...but it's pretty sad how it's so close to the real advice doled out to women that it's hard to tell whether it's serious or not!