Wednesday, May 4, 2011

20 Ways to Become Known as a Male Chauvinist (Plus Bonus Points)

I've read this great post titled "25 ways to tokenize or alienate a non-white person around you" and was inspired to make a similar list for male chauvinists. (To read the entire post, press the Read More button.)

1. If a female colleague mentions that she likes to cook, praise her for that exuberantly and tell her how nice it is to see that some women still know how to do that. For extra points, ask her to cook something for you since your girlfriend wouldn't be able to boil an egg if she tried.

2. Inform every woman you meet that women only like men who treat them horribly while nice guys like you cannot get laid no matter how hard they try. For extra points, ask her to prove you wrong by having sex with you.

3. Ask every woman you meet if she has a baby, and if she says she doesn't, ask her when she is planning to have one. Then inform her that her biological clock is ticking and she might miss her chance. For extra points, make tick-tock sounds whenever you meet her.

4. When you meet a woman in a professional setting, immediately ask her if she is married or if she has a boyfriend. If she answers in the negative, show surprise and ask her why not. For extra points, tell her you will set her up with one of your friends.

5. Whenever you see a female co-worker eat, ask her whether she is on a diet and if she says she isn't, tell her you heard that WeightWatchers produced really amazing results. For extra points, start leaving WeightWatchers flyers on her desk.

6. If you know a woman who has children, ask her who stays with her babies while she spends her entire day at work. For extra points, offer to bring her statistics about high depression rates among children of working mothers.

7. Ask your female co-worker whether she thinks she would have been hired for this job if she was male. For extra points, give her a little speech about reverse discrimination.

8. If you hear that somebody has been sexually assaulted, immediately inquire what the victim was wearing and whether she had been drinking prior to being assaulted. For extra points, tell everybody about this article you read that suggested that women who dressed provocatively and went out alone attracted rapists.

9. If a woman says she is a feminist, tell her that she doesn't look like a lesbian. For extra points, ask her what made her hate men so much.

10. Refer to your female colleagues as "girls." For extra points, address them as "sweetie" or "honey."

11. If  your female co-worker disagrees with you about anything, ask her if it's her time of the month. For extra points, inform everybody around that she is sensitive today and shouldn't be approached.

12. Tell women that you are afraid to express yourself honestly because they might get emotional. For extra points, always bring a pack of Kleenex into meetings and distribute them to your female colleagues.

13. If a woman begins to say something, interrupt her and finish her thought. For extra points, tell her that you are just trying to help.

14. Inform everybody that as a result of evolution, women are monogamous because they need to snag and retain a provider and men are polygamous because they need to spread the seed. For extra points, distribute articles and blog posts on the subject to everybody you know.

15. Keep telling everybody you meet that you are a real gentleman, which is why you always open doors for women and offer them the best seat. For extra points, make a big show of rushing to open a door for a woman.

16. Tell everybody that women are the better half of humanity, which is why they need to be sheltered and protected from life's troubles by men. For extra points, give examples from your personal life demonstrating your credentials as a savior of damsels in distress.

17. If a female co-worker tells you she is pregnant, roll your eyes and tell everybody that you know this would happen. For extra points, walk around looking all dejected and share with everybody how worried you are about the pregnant colleague's incapacity to perform her duties correctly.

18. If a woman you know is planning to give birth, ask her about the method of delivery she chose. Criticize her choice and explain to her how she is wrong and how her method is dangerous to her and the baby. For extra points, send her information on other delivery options.

19. If you see a pregnant woman, stop her and give her advice as to what she should or shouldn't eat or drink during her pregnancy. For extra points, berate her for not taking good care of her unborn baby.

20. If a woman gets promoted, is awarded tenure or finds a great job, say "Well, we all know why that happened." For extra points, tell everybody how you will never get a similar promotion or find such a good job because nowadays men get passed over in favor of women because everybody is afraid of the PC police.


Pagan Topologist said...

OK, I don't like having posts truncated like this, requiring a click to the individual entry and then a click back to read the prior entry.

Clarissa said...

I wanted to try this to see if it will make the pages load faster, but if people end up hating it, I'm not necessarily wedded to this idea. It's just a little experiment.

Do you think it still makes sense to do that for reviews that might not be of general interest?

Leah Jane said...

#21 in my book:
When female friend, acquaintance or colleague complains about experiencing cat-calling or sexual harassment, inform her that she's "gonna miss it" when she's old and no longer attractive or desirable.
Bonus points if you tell her "it won't last much longer" because of the rate at which she's ageing/letting herself go.

Clarissa said...

Oh, yes! That's a lovely one.

Anonymous said...


I sigh because it's true.

Goose Girl said...

Funny but sad, because all of the 25 situations either happened to me or I was witnessing them.

kinjal said...

"For extra points, make tick-tock sounds whenever you meet her" This is hilarious! have to try this sometime, not necessarily on a woman. :D

Pagan Topologist said...

I have heard women make the tick-tock sound to their female relatives, but I have never heard a man do it.

Maybe the truncated post format works for people with a slow connection, but for me it just means more clicks and a more cumbersome reading experience.

Have you discontinued the text verification security step, or is blogspot just malfunctioning?

Clarissa said...

Yes, I'm experimenting with a variety of different features. So do you think that I should get rid of the jump break and bring back the text verification security?

It takes all of 20 seconds to change it back if people really prefer the former format.

Pagan Topologist said...

Of course I can speak only for myself, but I definitely prefer the former format.

Clarissa said...

OK, I changed it. Anything to please my readers. :-)

Pagan Topologist said...

#14 is just wrong. It has always been to women's evolutionary advantage to have many men having a vested interest in helping raise their children, not just one. A significant number of hunter gatherer societies have women in relationships with multiple men who in turn all help with childrearing. Some of these cultures even believe that one man alone cannot possibly father a child, that it takes several, and that the more there are the stronger the child will be. So this one is not male-chauvinist, it is just scientifically wrong.

Clarissa said...

Chauvinists and racists of every ilk love relying on pseudo-science 9and dumping on actual science) in support of their warped beliefs.

My Cornell students were shocked to discover that "the black people are not in any way different from us besides the color of their skin. Like, they don't have any special capacities or don't think and feel in a different way. Are you sure about that, professor?"

el said...

I can add
#22 If your female colleague or a friend isn't in her 20ies anymore, mention the new wonderful cosmetic treatments you've heard of. For extra points, tell about a female acquaintance, who "takes care of herself" and "after using Botox every X years, looks just great!"

RE 5 - but what if she is thin? ;) Talking about Anorexia just doesn't do it in our society. Just recently I read an article about how people love tut-tutting about Anorexia, but in practice the culture promotes and rewards it. F.e. by giving modeling jobs.

el said...

Forgot to mention RE cooking - in this interesting post
the author links to new cooking blog:

"I’m running an experiment in which I plan to cook 100 meals from cookbooks published by excellent chefs in one year and blog each one of them. I hope to also write about my personal history with food and cooking, as well as what I learn along the way."

The idea sounds interesting.

Tori said...

3a) If she tells you that she cannot or does not wish to have children, cluck in pity or recoil in abject horror. For extra points, perform both maneuvers at once.

heyjudi said...

I read over this list and started to laugh . . . and then it dawned on me- I have been the recipient of most of these comments (1 with bp, 2 w/bp, 4 w/bp, 5, 6- from a potential employer at a job interview!, 7 w/bp, 8, 9 w/bp, 10 w/bp, 12, 13 w/bp, 14, 15 w/bp, 16 w/bp, 17 w/bp, 19, 20 w/bp, 21 w/bp). That's when it wasn't funny anymore. At all.

Heliconia said...

Alright, now could someone please write a list of 20 corresponding one-liners to respond to each of these? (Wish I were that clever myself.)

KT said...

Here is my own take:

Thanks for giving me the idea.